"Where there is creativity, there is hope." ~ Donna Karan

Beyond The Realm Of Reality

by - Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I've entered the realm of insanity. I hardly feel human. At times it feels like life is running in slow motion, I feel like I'm walking around in some strange dream but the reality is this is real- and it's a nightmare. Being doped up on drugs will do that to you. Spending two weeks popping panadiene forte isn't at all pleasant. Sure, the side effects may be worth it if it actually helped to dull the pain but I'm still suffering, with no end in sight. Severe back pain believed to be caused from endometriosis means that everyday is now a struggle to survive, I'm merely existing.

When the pain happens to allow me to escape from home, I no longer can stay out for lengthy periods of time due to drug induced fatigued. I feel like an alien existing on some foreign planet. I feel dizzy and generally just really weird. Forget hangovers. I feel more than whacked around by a few too many drinks. Ever since the onset of sudden back pain over three weeks ago, I've seen it invade the little life I had left. The pain has been my constant companion and I'm wondering how can this pain be real. It's ridiculous.

I've never had pain just below and in between my shoulder blades before. It's a new pain and it's intense, apparently associated with endometriosis. You would think two weeks on panadiene forte should have done the trick. The pain is so bad that it makes me wonder how could I not have injured it? It doesn't hurt to touch and it appears completely "normal" which is why the doctors are guessing it's referred pain from endometriosis but hell does it hurt. I can't ever remember being in this much pain with endometriosis and I've never had to rely on panadiene forte persistently to relieve some of my pain. It doesn't make sense. I'm worried something else is going on and I'm scared that there will be no solution to this pain. Something is amiss, I know that for sure.

I've been patiently waiting to see another gynaecologist next week but inevitably I wound up at the doctors yet again today because the pain became too unbearable. I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I cry at any little thing, I'm miserable and I'm moody. My given options today? #1. Get an urgent appointment to see a different gynaecologist this week #2. Try opiates (taking into consideration I already feel drugged from the panadiene forte, opiates will make this feeling worse) #3. Look into getting private health cover to speed up surgery (people are not so reassuring about this one) #4. Rock up at emergency to prove I'm struggling. (Tempting but I don't feel like sitting in emergency for hours when I can predict what will happen- they'll just drug me up and send me home, may as well just get the drugs from my doctor)

I decided on option one. I've been kindly given an appointment for this week. I feel sorry for this doctor- three weeks of constant chronic and at times severe pain... little miss nice went out the window quite a while ago. I'm frustrated with doctors who don't "get it". I'm sick of wasting my money on doctors who don't give a shit and don't take my pain seriously. I'm at the end of my rope here. I'm tired of being doped up on drugs and told "surgery shouldn't be too much of a wait" or "getting pregnant should help with your endometriosis". The getting pregnant part really upsets me the most. Firstly, endometriosis can cause infertility and if I'm having trouble with adhesions on my ovary and bladder that may make conceiving much more complicated. Secondly, Endometriosis shouldn't become my reasoning of wanting a child, and more to the point, I'm dateless. I'm a stay at home young single woman on disability trying to manage living with multiple chronic illnesses. Finding myself a man and having a child isn't on my top priority list.

I don't know how much longer I can keep putting up with this pain. It's becoming quite difficult to deal with but I am so grateful that it isn't worse than what it is. One good thing about the pain is that it constantly reminds me that I'm alive and that I have so much to live and be thankful for. I can come and write a post, write out all the hurt, frustration and confusion and feel much better for it. I can reach out and encourage others who are hurting just as much as I am and I can cheer myself up knowing that I've helped cheer up another. I know that this pain has a purpose and that is what keeps me going day after day. I keep fighting and I keep writing for those who are still awaiting a diagnosis and for those of us who are choosing to hold onto the hope of cure, who are walking in that hope everyday by raising and maintaining awareness. One day a cure will be a reality and no woman will ever have to feel like they are existing beyond the realm of reality feeling as though they are a foreign alien struggling for survival.


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