chronic illnesschronic illness and depressionChronic illness and emotionsDepressionfamilyGodgrieving with chronic illnesshappeningsmy faithSweet Nan
Missing the good old days
*** Disclaimer: Sorry to kill the creative mood but things aren't going to be all rainbows, sunshine, lollipops and unicorns around here for some time.
Right now it feels as though I'll never be happy. There are times when I'm feeling so far down in the dumps that I just can't see a way out. Depression has thrown me a curve ball once again, and the darkness is suffocating.
I am sad because my social life is really suffering. I'm upset because I'd like to go to work and be a normal human being right now. I am frustrated because I cannot go for a long run and sweat the stress away. I'm struggling with my sudden weight gain from dreaded drug side effects, and I'm also grappling with grief.
To hear that my sweet, sweet Nan may only have a month or so left with us hurts too much. I'm not going to go into too much detail, as it's not my story to tell, except to say that she has cancer, and it has now gone to her brain.
Seeing her struggle and feel miserable is just darn horrible, and I am incredibly frustrated by the fact that I am unable to help out and visit as much as I would like to. I am upset that there is nothing I can do to make this any better, and I feel for my family. All that I can do is help out when I can, cook some basic meals when I'm on dinner duties and bake brownies for Nan- marbled choc cheesecake- her favourite. Here, you're dying, have some cake!
Sometimes all you can do is cry and eat cake.
Apparently I'm grieving already, and everything is ten times harder. I'm trying so hard not to get upset, because getting upset and stressed only makes the fatigue worse, but trying not to get upset is just as exhausting.
It's times like these when I miss the good old days. The days when I was happy and healthy. The days when I saw my friends everyday at school. The days when I would go for long runs. The days when stupid cancer didn't ruin our enjoyable family lunch with Nan every Saturday.
Oh how I wish I could rewind back to those good old days, because right now everything is just a mess. Life isn't fun anymore, and I want to escape, I just want things to go back to the way that they were.
When my Nan was diagnosed earlier this year, and I was told that she probably wouldn't be here next year, I didn't believe it. I didn't want to, I just couldn't. I didn't want to accept it. It didn't seem real- one week I was driving her to church, and the next she was in hospital diagnosed with cancer and starting her first round of chemotherapy.
She managed so unexpectedly well with the chemo treatment that I thought, maybe, just maybe, she would be okay. The cancer shrunk and things seemed to be alright. We were warned that her type of cancer commonly grows back in the brain, but we didn't give that thought any attention.
It was only a month ago when we sat down for a family dinner, and now I'm told that she only has a month or so left with us.
That thought is unbearable.
It's horribly amazing how swiftly cancer attacks the brain. It's hard to believe that she won't be with us much longer when she is sitting and smiling at me, completely capable of speaking a coherent sentence. I'm struggling to imagine my life without her.
When I was at school I would look forward to seeing her every weekend. Since obtaining my license, I have driven myself to her house for short visits. Most of the things we do as a family include her, so not having her around will be an awful adjustment.
I knew it was coming, but it doesn't make it any easier. I've had time to prepare myself, but I'm just not ready yet.
I know that she is old and the she has to die eventually, but I just didn't expect it to be right now. I had hoped that she would die of old age. Cancer is so cruel- it makes me angry to think that if it didn't exist, Nan would probably have many years left with us.
I don't want her to die. I don't want to miss her. I want to rewind and relive the good old days.
But I have to believe that God will bring better days and greater things - beyond what I can imagine. And even though it feels as though there is no way out of this black hole, I am trusting in God's promises, and holding onto Him for dear life. As hard as this is, I know that God has this situation under control, and that I can seek peace and draw upon the strength of God's grace.
I had prayed so hard that Nan would be healed, but sometimes, God doesn't heal in the way that we expect. So now, I sit here and pray that she would go home to heaven quickly to be with God - where there will be know more pain and sickness. I know that she is going to an indescribable, incredible place that our earthly minds cannot comprehend, and that's comfort to cling to.
Through these dark days, I'll repeat - better days and bigger things are coming, better days and bigger things are coming. I'll say it until I believe it. I'll breathe, cry, and bake cakes. It's all I can do right now. It's all I know how to do.
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