"Where there is creativity, there is hope." ~ Donna Karan




I didn't sign up for this

by - Friday, September 02, 2011



So far I have survived three sessions of exercise rehab. After my second session, the fatigue didn't force me into a pit of despair like it did the first time which was fabulous, although, I still found it a struggle; particularly day one of post work-out.

BUT (there's always a but...), I noticed that the second session aggravated my back more {sigh}. I figured it would eventually improve so I insisted on just getting on with things and I resisted the temptation to complain.

Despite dealing with pain and fatigue after my second session I miraculously managed to take on a babysitting job the following night (despite feeling like a train wreck), go for an afternoon stroll around the shops, and for the first time in ages I was able to spend a Friday night out shopping with my lil' sis.

I also got another two cards made with the design for a third ready to go. Go me!

But here I am now in week three of exercise rehab feeling more than terrible. AGAIN. I'm feeling icky. I'd rather eat worms. Although back pain trumps fatigue this time, so in a weird way that's kind of an improvement, I guess.

Don't get me wrong, I am proud of and thankful for what I have achieved within the last week, really, I am. But I'm feeling negative, overwhelmed and utterly frustrated once again.

In my third session this week, I did much the same as the week before and I feel even the more worse for wear. My back pain has increased ten fold and while prednisolone assists it, exercise provokes it.

The combination of exercise and everything else I've done in the past week has proved just too much for me this week. I did exactly the same work-out as week two but this week my body just can't handle it.

Just because I can manage to do one or several things one week doesn't mean that I can do it the next. That's just how life goes with a chronic illness. It's frustrating. But what am I suppose to do? Do I drop everything and sit on my bum to "save" my energy for my next work-out?

I had a terrible night with back pain the other night. Not a happy camper. Exercise would be a heck of a lot easier if the doctors actually got on top of my pain and I could sleep well at night.

I knew exercising would be hard. I knew that it wouldn't be a happy walk in the park but I didn't sign up for increased pain and sleepless nights. I didn't sign up for feeling more terrible than I usually do.

I didn't sign up for this. I don't want to do this. I am trying my best but I am oh so frustratingly human. There is only so much I can take. Right now I am struggling. I am overwhelmed. This is too much.

This is TOO much.

This whole exercise thing isn't enjoyable and as a result, I'm losing the motivation to stick it out. It is draining my life. I'm losing the motivation to get out of bed in the morning, I'm losing the motivation to blog and do the things I love. Life isn't fun. I'm so tired that all I feel like doing is sitting on the couch and succumb to being a big fat sloth. But I don't. I don't give in.

I somehow keep going. I keep pushing myself to do things and to keep moving and I keep telling myself that things will get better. That this will be worth it in the end. That this isn't a hopeless situation.

To be honest though, all I want to do is chuck a huge hissy fit and give up. Right now I feel like quitting. I'm in the pits and I want out. I feel like flicking the world the bird and dragging the doona over my head.

People keep telling me to quit with the negative attitude because there are so many people who are worse off than me. Oh how I know that, but that doesn't mean that I am not struggling. That I am not finding this difficult.

I've even had "SUCK IT UP PRINCESS" hurled at me. Well, excuse me, I've spent the last five years sucking it up, smiling and being nothing but positive. I happen to think I've done a darn good job even though very few people tell me I have.

I've learnt to be content when everyone else's happiness is flaunted in my face and I've learnt to cope and deal with things on my own. You try dealing with pain head to toe, interrupted sleep at night and pain shooting down your spine when you move your arms and then see how positive you feel.

Until you are ill, you will never understand how incredibly difficult the fight is to stay positive. I'm in pain, and  I'll cry if I want to!
 
I am where I am today because I have worked bloody hard to pick myself up time and time again when people have let me down. I don't have the most strongest support network, this blog is my only support network and I hate to think where I would be without it.

Writing out all the frustration helps because I don't have a person who I can call to console me when it all gets to much. And I am so thankful that I have this place to vent my anger because my family are sure as hell tired of my ranting.

Right now I'm on edge. I'm the biggest bitch to everyone because I am so bloomin' tired and because of this I feel like I've just been left on my own to deal with it all, when it's just impossible to do this on my own. I'm like a volcano ready to erupt.

I fear I'll burst into tears at any moment and I hate it. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling this horrible. I've cried making breakfast, I've cried in the car, I've cried myself to sleep because it's just all too much.

I'm just a big blob of a blubbering mess and I feel like I should just hibernate in my bedroom until this time from hell passes because I'm certainly ain't no joy to be around right now.

Between now and my next session this Wednesday I'm supposed to go for not one but TWO walks. With my back pain the way it is, that's not gonna happen. By the time I recover from one session, it's time for another one, how am I suppose to go for walks on top and still manage daily life and function like a human?

Pfft.

At this rate, it seems like I'll never get back to work.

I'll be okay though, I'm tough. I'm going to trust the "experts" even though it feels like I'm just making a bee line towards dead end disaster. For now I'll do what I'm told, I'll cry if I want to and I'll do anything it takes to help get me through this hell.

For now, I'm holding onto the hope that my back pain WILL get sorted which should make exercising a little more enjoyable. I'm hoping that things will get better, because if things don't slowly start to improve, I am seriously contemplating the thought of chucking this exercise in. I cannot keep going like this. It's not healthy. It's ridiculous. Sheer stupidity is what it is.

This isn't a hopeless situation. It WILL get better. I can do this. I am strong enough to get through this. Yes, I didn't sign up for this but I am strong. I am stronger.




******* On the bright side; I baked the most amazing banana, apple and cinnamon muffins yesterday! The fact that those turned out a treat has made my week that little bit better, and that's enough happiness to get me through another week. Are you finding it hard to get by week after week? What's something that brings you a little happiness that makes the dark times a little brighter? x


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