"Where there is creativity, there is hope." ~ Donna Karan

Surviving Surgery- Part 1

by - Sunday, June 12, 2011

I am surprisingly and strangely excited about having my fourth laparoscopy tomorrow to treat the endometriosis and find the source of my worsening pain and symptoms. I've had constant non-stop pain for three months now and I'm really looking forward to some relief and hopefully some answers to calm my anxiety. This last week has just been awful and I've had enough. I just can't continue on like this and while I'm trying not to get my hopes up that this surgery will fix all my problems, I can't help but hope that things are going to get better. They have to, right?

At the same time, I've been trying to convince myself that I'm not scared, but I am. I'm terrified. There. I said it. I still clearly remember how terrified I was about my first diagnostic laparoscopy back in 2007 and once again I find myself shockingly scared of the unknown. I'm scared they'll find more endometriosis and more adhesions. I'm terrified of being at risk of developing more adhesions from surgery as that's how I got the horrid adhesion that adheres my bladder to my ovary in the first place. I find myself concerned about long term treatment options and I'm also worried about a flare in joint pain and fatigue. Surgery can cause setbacks with fibromyalgia, arthritis and CFS. I am stupidly freaking out. I'm trying not to freak out but thinking about not freaking out is making me freak out. I know, that didn't make sense in the slightest, but nothing does when you're freaking out.

Over the last three months I've been feeling really unsure and uncertain. I can't put my finger on what it is, but something just feels wrong. Really wrong. It's like my body is warning me. I don't know if it's about the surgery but I think it may have something to do with the shocking amount of pain that I have in my back and stomach. I'm scared that this pain isn't related to the endometriosis at all and that doctors won't be able to find the cause. I'm scared the doctors have got it wrong. I just don't feel right about any of this. I have that deep gut nauseating feeling that something is astray. But what? Try telling that to a doctor and they'll think you're a hypochondriac. I don't particularly like the idea of another surgery but I have no choice. Something is going on and the source needs to be found.

I think the main reason why I'm so anxious is because my last laparoscopy was an experience that I never want to endure again. Waking up to the worst and most unbearable pain of my whole entire life after having my bladder ripped off my ovary is not something I want to re-live, but if my bladder is stuck again like my body is telling me then there is an awful possibility that I could go into retention again and I am ridiculously anxious about this happening again. Hell, when you've been in the back of an ambulance in agony after neglectful nurses sent you home when you were still in pain and still in retention- I guess anxiety attacks are fairly normal.

Although, I've had to slap myself for being so silly several times. It's my fourth laparoscopy and seventh surgery in total. Who am I kidding? I'm a pro! The only part of the whole process that phases me is the waking up part. The part when you aren't numb to the fact that it feels as though a wombat has stomped all over your ovaries and sunk it's sharp claws in. I think it's worse knowing what kind of pain to expect. Although, with all of my surgeries I've experienced a different degree of pain. So I guess it's just fear of the unknown really.

I have to be positive though. Worrying about things I can't control is wasting precious energy. Whatever happens, happens. I'm in a hell of a lot of pain already so surely it can't get much worse than this. Besides, I spent my first recovery in hospital vomiting all day, my second recovery was a breeze, my third was sheer torture... do the math and my fourth one is bound to be brilliant. I survived then and I will survive now. After all, I've got Jesus right by my side and I know that He's got me in his hand. And because He is with me, I will not fear.



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