"Where there is creativity, there is hope." ~ Donna Karan

Extreme Exhaustion

by - Thursday, July 01, 2010

 I'm fighting a war against fatigue.There are arrows being thrown at me from everywhere. All of my medications cause fatigue. On top of that I deal with chronic fatigue syndrome brought on by fibromyalgia syndrome. Add fatigue from polyarthritis and endometriosis to the mix and I'm surprised I'm still standing!

(image via google)
I have been hit pretty hard with the exhaustion stick (more like bashed!) and I just can't seem to pick myself up. No matter what I do or how hard I try, I can't shake the fatigue. Dealing with chronic fatigue is overwhelming and pretty darn exhausting, not only physically but mentally and emotionally also. It's like a thick fog that hangs over me everyday and it is limiting my view. I can't see past the fatigue, I can't see a way out, I can't see an end and I'm struggling to imagine my life ever being free from fatigue. I find myself bursting into tears at random times  because the fatigue suddenly became all too much to cope with.

Unrelenting weariness has become a way of life for me. Aching all over and feeling fatigued all the time feels normal to me now. It has been my way of life for the past four years. It is almost impossible to remember what it is like to not feel exhausted. Although I fight fatigue on a daily basis and am well accustomed to living life at a slower pace, the fatigue has been incredibly difficult to manage over the past three months. Every night when I go to bed I tell myself that tomorrow will be better and every morning I awake to the disappointment that the fatigue still isn't any better. Why does it keep getting worse and not better? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm struggling to function. I'm sleeping between eleven and fourteen hours a night, I'm struggling to get out of bed and am unable to work because of it. Even the simple necessity of taking a shower has become a struggle and some days I haven't even been able to summon up the strength to do so. I've had to disappear off the social radar once again leaving me feeling completely alone. It's taking over my life and I hate it. I hate the fact that I'm losing the best years of my life to fatigue. I'm so tired of feeling tired, that it is making me feel tired! The other night I spent a few hours lying awake in bed just thinking of how tired I was. I was too exhausted to even sleep. I love my life but it just seems to suck right now. It totally sucks and I'm angry. I'm really angry. So it's time to take action.

Although I can't do very much to change the situation, I'm doing what I can do, no matter how little, to try and take back some control in my life. Firstly, I can change my attitude. Although I'm feeling overcome at the moment, I know that I am an over comer, I am more than a conqueror. By believing this and speaking it over my life it makes me feel more determined and strengthened (at times when that is the last thing I feel) to not let this monster defeat me.

Secondly, I can change my diet. I have always eaten very healthy and I have no doubt that If I didn't eat as healthy as I do, I would probably be bedridden. Especially battling multiple chronic illnesses it is important for me to make good food choices because my body is already depleted from being pumped with drugs on a daily basis. I try to make homemade vegetable juice daily (if fatigue permits). I'll usually drink two full sized milkshake glasses of apple, carrots and celery. I make sure I eat plenty of fruit and I never skip a meal (unless I'm nauseous). I do everything I can to supply my body with energy,as I need all the energy I can get! I believe diet can make somewhat of a difference and after the months I have had drastic times call for drastic measures. I'm taking action. I've decided to go on a gluten and dairy free diet out of pure desperation (well I'll do what I can)! I tried this diet when I first became ill but gave up after a few months because I didn't see drastic improvement. In my naive state I thought it would basically cure me (oh how great if it were so). It did give me a little extra energy though, so I'm willing to give it another try. Of course I'm not expecting drastic change now because I understand that I am drowning my insides with drugs after all and I am fighting a disease that was not caused by poor diet, so diet may never be the miracle answer I'm hoping for. However if I can gain a little bit of energy I'd be grateful. I'm willing to take anything I can get. Just to be able to go out a bit more often than what I am able to manage now would make a world of difference. So, here I am motivated by a desire to feel somewhat human again but I can't help wonder if I'm kidding myself. I can only hold onto hope.


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