"Where there is creativity, there is hope." ~ Donna Karan




Mr Confused

by - Thursday, April 15, 2021

 

Moments before the funniest thing that's ever happened to me.

After praise and worship ended I immediately sat down, my niggling hip pain a reminder that I was still recovering from a brutal surgery. It was my first time back at church in over two months and I was a ball of anxiety.

I knew the ‘say hi to someone’ interval was coming, and I was dreading it. I’d just been through the ringer and didn’t feel like small talk, yet the thought of having no one to talk to and looking like a loner also gave me anxiety. Scanning the auditorium, I prayed I’d see someone I knew.

Dammit, where is everyone today?

The chatter began, and I remained seated, looking for anyone close by me who might like to chat. Everyone around me already had someone to chat with and were deep in conversation and hello hugs. I didn’t want to awkwardly hover close to groups of people hoping someone would include me, so I remained firm in my chair, feeling like a complete loser.

Then an anxiety attack hit full throttle. I felt panicky and shaky. I wanted to melt into the walls. Taking a moment to calm myself, I starred down at my feet attempting to ground myself. 



 

It’s okay. No one is looking at you and thinking you’re a loser. The real losers here are the ones who see you are by yourself and don’t include you. It’s fine, no one can tell you’re freaking out; it’s totally okay to just sit here and breathe.

I was about to get up and go hide in a toilet cubicle for 10 minutes (a psychologist approved coping strategy for when things get too much) when I noticed a fairly attractive guy making a beeline towards me.

Of course this is happening to me right when I’m in the middle of an anxiety attack. Why doesn’t a guy ever come and chat to me when anxiety isn’t hitting me with strong nuclear force?  

 



I was worried that he could see the fear on my face, which only exacerbated the anxiety. While I was glad someone was coming to rescue me from my psychological doom, I also wanted to hide my face.

Oh, shoot. Oh, shoot.

He seemed bizarrely happy to see me, but I put his beaming face down to being filled with the Holy Spirit. You know those people who just glow and radiate Jesus that you feel like your staring straight into Jesus’ eyes? I rarely see it, but I saw it in him. I’ve told my girlfriends that I could never marry a man who is so holy they make me feel I’m looking at Jesus because sex would feel weird and wrong. 

Okay, back to Jesus Boy…

''Hi! How are you?'' He knelt down to my level and his care and respect melted my heart a little.

Fake it till you make it. Fake it till you make it.

''Hi, I’m good thanks! And you?''

''Yeah, good… We’ve met before.''

''No, I don’t think we have,'' I exclaimed with a confidence that surprised me. ''I’m pretty good at remembering faces.''

''Yes, we have! We had a conversation just a few weeks ago, I’m sure of it,'' he retorted.

''Well that’s impossible, this is my first time back in two months.''

 Confusion laced his face. ''Oh… How long have you been coming here?''

''About five months.''

''So you are kind of new then?!''

''I guess so, if you classify five months as new.''

''Well welcome! Do you have any friends?''

''Yes, I just can’t seem to find anyone.''

''They’re hiding from you,'' he said with a laugh.

''Must be!''

''Well, it was nice to meet you.''

And just as quickly as he came towards me, he made a swift getaway. His mysteriousness intrigued me. Wait, come back. What was that about? Who are you? I was disappointed he didn’t give me the chance to ask him anything about himself, but the dude clearly hated me. He couldn’t get away from me any faster and left me feeling like a bemused loser.

That was so weird, but I’ll have grace in case he has anxiety too. 

As soon as the service ended, I left for home and tried not to overthink, which I failed at terribly. The next day it dawned on me… He thought I was a girl he liked! That wasn’t just the look of confusion on his face, it was also the look of sheer terror and embarrassment. Well, I’ll be damned!

I lost myself to laughter and started kicking myself that I didn’t realise at the time because I could have had some real fun with that. Then I turned to wondering who this woman was…

Who is this bitch that looks like me and is better than me?

At every following service I attended, I made it a priority to search for my church doppelganger. While I didn’t find anyone who I thought looked like me, I started questioning if it was one vocalist. 

No, surely not. That chick is STUNNING, and she has a better figure than me. I’ve had too many doughnuts to even come close to resembling that woman. Oh, that’s going to be hilarious if that is her.

A few weeks later, some people from the young adults group were laughing at a photo on somebody’s phone. One girl from the group was kind enough to include me in something they thought I wouldn’t understand and showed me the image that had everyone in hysterics. Someone had a photo of this gorgeous woman and had photoshopped the head of the guy who came up to me that morning next to hers and was laughing about how they liked each other.

''Oh my gosh, THAT’S HER!!'' I reactively gushed.

''What?'' asked someone in the group.

I tried to explain what had happened before giving up when I noticed I was sparking confusion. ''Doesn’t matter, don’t mind me. Carry on.''

As soon as I arrived home, I called my mother to share the exciting news that I’d discovered who my church doppelganger is. Then I began concocting plans to make things super awkward for Mr Confused (that’s what I’m calling him now), because I am an undercover bitch. After all, I was recovering from a painful surgery, so you bet I was going to have some fun with this mistaken identity situation.


 

The next church service I attended, I was sitting a few rows behind Mr Confused. I noticed him looking longingly at my doppelganger, who was seated a few rows in front of him. Oh there it is, the same look he gave me—that of if the heart eyes and drooling face emojis got together and had a baby.

For a moment I felt envious. I can’t even find a guy who’s interested in a platonic friendship, let alone a guy who would ask me out for pizza. But I sat there smiling because this whole thing was too funny. 

I'd even be happy with going to McDonald's, to be honest.
 

The next couple of months at church brought me so much entertainment. I would often pass the two chatting and laughing together on my way out of the church building, and I took every opportunity to enthusiastically smile at them and wave goodbye while giggling internally. Mr Confused refused to acknowledge I existed, which made the whole thing even more side-splitting. He couldn’t even utter one word to me, let alone look me in the eye.

Every time I passed Mr Confused I had to show enormous self-control and restrain myself from exclaiming, ‘I see you found the girl you were after!’ And every time I was tempted, I had to remind myself that I wasn’t that big of a bitch.

 

 

Then after a few months of fun Mr Confused vanished into thin air. He’s never been back since. Now I became confused because it seemed odd that he would just leave when he was super into this girl. Well, that’s that, I thought. The entertainment is over. Oh, but it was just the beginning… 

I ended up having many laughs with girlfriends about Mr Confused over coffee.

''What an arsehole!'', they would say. ''He could have handled that a lot better.''

''Yes, but he was a lovely Christian arsehole. If that was me, I would have wanted to hightail it out of there too!'' I would say in his defence.

Every time I took a visitor to church, I would point out the gorgeous woman he had mistaken me for. One time my mother came with me for a visit and her response was: ''Oh heck. I’d take that as a compliment!'' The consensus was that I should take it as a compliment, but I just think the poor dude needs to get his eyes tested. I had stacked on weight from hormone therapy and looked like a walrus trapped between boulders compared to her.

 

Six months after the hilarious encounter, things got even more comical. I found out that this gorgeous woman wasn’t into Mr Confused, like at all, and he kept trying to make it a thing. Um, WHAT?! I thought they were super into each other. It looked like they were.

Of course, the hilarity of this tale hit a new level for me after hearing this nugget of information. I’ve broken into many fits of laughter, probably a few too many times. But in all seriousness, however, and for what it’s worth, I was hoping they were an item and that things would work out for the dude.

Well, fun is definitely over now, I thought. But oh, I was wrong again…

Another guy at church who I don’t know also came close to making the same error as Mr Confused. I caught them looking at me like they knew me and as they got closer to approaching me I watched as their face quickly changed upon realising I wasn’t the woman they knew. It was gold to see them spin around and race in the opposite direction that I cracked up laughing all over again.

Apparently I’m a dead ringer for this woman.

 

My hilarious year at church ended with—you guessed it—more laughter. On the Christmas Day service I was seated next to a sweet old little English lady who was way too adorable for words. After we sang carols she turned to me and asked ''Are you related to the singer on the stage? You look very alike!''

I lost it all over again. Not only did I have to explain that I was definitely not related to this woman, I also had to explain why I found a legitimate question so outrageously funny.

''Oh, you have such beautiful hair and eyes,'' she exclaimed. ''I wish I had big dark eyes like yours!''

I’m extremely self-conscious about my eyes, so I nearly laughed at this compliment too. The more medication I need to add to my regimen, the more dilated my pupils seem to become. 

I perpetually look like I’m high, frightened, attracted to everyone or have just had an appointment with an ophthalmologist—so I find it ridiculously hilarious that someone would want eyes like mine. I bit my bottom lip to stop myself from saying, ‘Oh, you want my eyes? You can have them! Here you go, I’ll scoop them out for you.’ 

Instead, I opted for a more psychologically stable reply.

''What’s wrong with your eyes? They’re gorgeous, too. You’re gorgeous.'' 


 

Man, what an entertaining year I’ve had at church this year, I thought. Surely I’ve sucked the humour well dry. 

And it seemed I had. Well, until last year…

In the boredom and drudgery of lockdown, I browsed some online Christian singles dating profiles. I like to do this now and then for some entertainment (I highly recommend it). This time there was a guy with scroll stopping eyes who caught my attention.

I clicked on their profile. 

Wait, I’ve seen this guy before! Where do I know this face from? Is that you, Mr Confused? 

My special talent is creepily stalking people on the internet.


To my complete surprise, their profile revealed what church they attended. I erupted in side-splitting laughter. Oh my sweet Jesus, it’s him! I could barely breathe. 

When I finally composed myself, I discovered the profile was old and that it appeared to have been created around the time he came up to me at church. I don’t know how I stumbled upon such an old profile, and I’ve never been more sure that God has a sense of humour.

Finding Mr Confused’s dating profile got me wondering where he was now and if he had found someone. So in all of my detective and stalking glory that should have me re-evaluating my life, I tried my luck at finding him on Instagram.

I started praying. Please be on Instagram. Please don’t be a private account, please don’t be a private account.

In less than 15 minutes his profile was before my eyes. It was public, and I shamelessly scrolled, hoping to quench my curiosity. I learnt that he’s into gaming and appears to have a girlfriend now who he seems utterly besotted with. 

 

Good for you, Mr Confused. I closed my laptop, grinning from ear to ear. What a fantastic end to this hilarious tale. One that’s even more hysterical considering the poor woman at the centre of it has absolutely no idea what transpired. Mr Confused also doesn’t know how much I know either, and I still crack up laughing about it to this day. It’s the funniest thing that’s ever happened to me.

I’ve ended up admiring Mr Confused. He saw what he wanted, and he went for it… Except, to my amusement, he got confused along the way and thought I was the girl he wanted. A lot of men don’t have those balls these days. 

To be honest, if I was a guy, I’d be trying to go for that too.

Ultimately this hilarious mix up has given me given me hope—hope that one of these days some adorable (and ridiculously handsome) guy will come up to me and this time it will actually be me they want to speak to and pursue.

 

 

All memes in this post are compliments of Imgflip. I even made some of my own because I'm so damn hilarious. I hope you enjoyed this post... Well, you better, it took three and a half months to write. Just kidding, it's totally okay if you don't get my warped sense of humour. No, but seriously, tell me you enjoyed it, because THREE MONTHS. I've had a blast writing this, hunting for memes and laughing while stuffing my face with chocolate. See you in the next post, friends! Love & Cupcakes

You May Also Like

0 comments

Contact Form

Name

Email *

Message *