"Where there is creativity, there is hope." ~ Donna Karan

Poetry & Praise: Numb

by - Thursday, October 27, 2011

I have been quite down in the dumps lately. I think there have been a few contributing factors to this recent bout of depression- frustration, isolation, and generally just feeling like a failure. I think six months of unresolved back pain has just pushed me over the edge. I guess depression was inevitable and inescapable considering the circumstances.

I guess it would be abnormal if I wasn't depressed. Being in pain all the time, unable to work and struggling to socialise would get anyone down. Throw interrupted sleep and heavy pain killers into the mix and it's a recipe for disaster. I think I've managed pretty well all things considered.

During this past week I've been miserable and moody and to be honest, I just don't see a way out of it. I'm trying my best but that doesn't seem good enough anymore. It's getting to the point when enough is enough... I need to do something about feeling horrid, but what? Do I see a counselor, do I find a local support group? I'm really frustrated because I don't even know how to help myself sometimes.

Maybe I just need to get out more. You know, go get a life. Whatever a "life" is anymore I don't know but I'm pretty sure it doesn't involve sitting at the kitchen table rolling my headband back and forth for entertainment. Yep, that's how bad things are. I've tried this whole getting a "life" thing and it would be much more wonderful if it didn't involve paying the high price of pain afterwards.

I had a fantastic afternoon with friends on the weekend and as a result spent the majority of that night awake taking pain killers and cuddling a heat pack until I won the fight against fibromyalgia pain. I felt less than fabulous the next day. Fibromyalgia is a bitch. Just sayin'.

I go out, I try to enjoy myself, I do what normal people do and then the pounding pain starts, reminding me that I am far from "normal" and this causes me to feel down. If I stay at home, I become selfish, self absorbed, I pity myself, I feel guilty, ashamed, useless and worthless; and these feelings lead to depression also. See the vicious cycle I'm in? Well, I can't seem to break it. I just can't seem to climb out of this big black hole.

So in my quest to save my mental state, I've looked through some old journal entries I've written from when I was first diagnosed. My goodness golly gosh. Pages upon pages filled with hope, heartbreak, happiness and sadness. I came across a poem that I wrote back in 2008, written after I had to withdraw from my university course, that expresses exactly how I feel right now- numb.


I cannot feel a thing
I am so numb
I don't know what to do
Or what to think
I cannot feel
I cannot see
I am so numb.
I cannot move
I am struggling to be
I don't know how I got here
Or know where to run
I am so numb.
I am tired
I don't want to
do this anymore
I am tired of being numb
I want to feel
I want to see
I want to move
But I don't know how
To even break free
I am so numb.
All that I can do
All that I know how
Is to sit here and wait
To hold onto hope and
Breathe just breathe
Until I am no longer numb.

© 2008 by Emily Ruth

I know, pretty heavy stuff, right? This journal entry brings me comfort and hope though. I can look back on it and see how far I've come. I got through that tough dark time and I know that by the grace of God, I'll get through this one too.

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