appointmentsCFSChronic illness and emotionsEndometriosisFibromyalgiaInvisible Illness Awareness Week 2011Living with invisible illnesspost-opSymptoms
I'm not lazy, I'm just a little unwell
"You're a very healthy young lady".
Oh how I wish this statement were true.
Yet here I was attending another doctors appointment, pain shooting down my spine, fighting unrelenting fatigue; hearing about how well I looked.
Me, healthy? Ha!
The pain that this doctor had thought to be a symptom of endometriosis was still causing me incredible pain following my fourth laparoscopic surgery and my attempts at explaining my lack of living life proved futile.
Shocked to hear that I still hadn't returned to work and "normal" life since surgery invited interrogation.
"So what are you going to do today"?
I humbled myself and gave an honest answer.
I wished I hadn't.
I explained that despite relief of endometriosis symptoms since surgery, that I was still struggling with back pain that seemed to have no source or end in sight.
I mentioned that I was still needing to rely on strong pain killers and that I was going home to rest as the anesthetic from surgery had aggravated my chronic fatigue.
"Well, can't you go for a walk?"
"Sure, when I'm not having a bad day with back pain I'll go for a walk, but today is not a good day".
Cue but you look so good judgemental look.
It was like everything I had explained had no relevance because I appeared "healthy". I felt inadequate, worthless and lazy; the least I could do was go for a walk and that day I felt I couldn't even achieve that activity without paying the high price of pain.
Fighting fit, you say?
Pfft.
As much as I wish it were true, I am not well. Sure, I have all the hallmarks of a healthy person- I look extremely well and appear capable of holding down a job.
Although my endometriosis symptoms may now be alleviated, you should become acquainted with my medical history before you assume that I am a fully fledged, functioning, healthy young woman .
Had you read my file properly, you would know that I don't just live with endometriosis, I live with multiple chronic illnesses which cause symptoms of which I have no control over.
Living with multiple chronic illnesses means that while one ailment may be alleviated, another one will suddenly require attention. It's a daily battle that seems never ending.
Following surgery I have noticed an increase in pain and fatigue. I am finding this setback a significant struggle; an uphill battle. For the love of cheese, it doesn't take a doctor to know that anesthetic can contribute to a worsening of symptoms in CFS and fibromyalgia patients.
I am trying my best but some days I lose the battle; this doesn't mean that I am lazy and I will not feel guilty for something that isn't my fault.
I don't sit at home and succumb to being a sloth for the heck of it. I push myself harder than you'll ever know and just because I feel weary and choose to rest instead of get out for a walk doesn't mean that I am lazy, it just means that I'm a little unwell.
Believe me, I'd much rather be working than dealing with less than understanding doctors.
Waking up with pain in the night is not a symptom of the healthy. Fighting overwhelming, bone crushing, unrelenting fatigue every single day isn't the definition of healthy. Struggling with a sore throat and aching in your legs isn't the epitome of healthy.
I am a healthy young lady? Yes, in my dreams I am; and one day those dreams are going to come true. But right now I'm not lazy, I'm just a little unwell.
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