A Letter to My Immune System

by Chronically Creative - Friday, April 01, 2011

This post is apart of a challenge over at Phylor's Blog but instead of addressing the letter to my mind and body, I addressed it to my immune system instead. It's the first thing that came to mind and so, I went with it. I have been in quite an emotional state this past week and I found this activity very therapeutic. Writing a letter to your immune system or mind and body may seem totally ridiculous to some but for those living with chronic pain and illness, it's something I highly recommend. And it's cheaper than therapy too! So here goes, my letter to my immune system...

Dear immune system,

I have a love/hate relationship with you. While I am so thankful that my health isn't worse than what it is, I really hate having to take a truck load of pills. I hate living life within the limitations of pain and fatigue, and I hate having to live life within the restriction of four walls some days. I miss the old me. The me that had a bucket load of energy and more. Where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong? Was my healthy diet somehow not good enough for you? Or did I stress too much? Did I not pay you enough attention? Maybe this determined driven girl overwhelmed you. Should I have taken more care to slow down instead of running myself into the ground? Tell me what because I am at the end of my rope. Tell me what I need to do to fix this mess. I will do anything.

Right now it seems no matter what I do I just can't win. No matter how many pills I take, or how many diets I try I don't even see a glimmer of hope. No matter how much vegetable juice I drink and how many lifestyle changes I make- nothing pleases you. I am far beyond frustrated. All that I want is my life back, why is that so hard? Am I asking for too much? For once, just for one day I want my muscles and joints to stop throbbing. I want to be able to wake up in the morning without stiff joints feeling refreshed and happy. I want to be able to walk around without this foggy fatigue clouding my view. I don't want to ache from head to toe anymore. I've had enough. Five years is enough don't you think? I don't want to ride this roller coaster of emotions for one more second but you see, I have no choice in the matter. You give me no choice.

When will you allow my body to catch up with my mind? I have so much I want to do and achieve but some days I feel I'm a 22 year old stuck inside a 70 year old body. When will you get your act together? Do you not care about my life? Do you not care about all the sleepless nights? I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I hate what you have done to my life. You've seemed to take everything I love and shatter it into a million pieces that seem impossible to ever put back into place. My life will never be the same. Because of you I've lost my career, friendships and so much more. I struggle on a daily basis dealing with this grief and somehow accepting this new way of life.

Don't you dare for a second even think that I will accept this as apart of the rest of my life because I will not settle for it. Just because you've seemed to back down, doesn't mean I'm going to. Oh and here's a big question for you- why the heck do I have to battle and manage more than one illness, isn't one or two enough? I think one is plenty enough but FOUR? Why do you feel the need to unleash hell? And why oh why are you failing me? Can't you see I need you?

As much as I hate to admit it though, I suppose I should be thanking you. After all, I'm learning how to slow down and listen to my body. I'm even learning things about myself I never even knew. I'm discovering new talents I never knew I had and I'm learning to hope when there seems nothing left to hope for. For that I am grateful. From now on I promise to continue to listen to my body and slow down. I promise to work as hard as I can both physically and emotionally to overcome fibromyalgia, endometriosis, chronic fatigue and arthritis. I can beat this. I will beat this. I will win. This isn't forever.

Written by Emily Ruth